Date:	2006-12-30 12:57
Subject:	*eek*
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited

Cos should be here soon!

Date:	2006-12-24 22:54
Subject:	Long time...
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

Wow, it has been over a year since I've posted. I guess it's been that long since I've been on LJ. It's good to see how many people are still here - I don't keep up well with online communities. Anyway, I think I might redo my settings and get on here more often.
-I'm so excited about seeing Cos, the guy who introduced me to LJ ages ago.
I'll see you all around.
-em

Date:	2005-11-20 01:22
Subject:	*ugh*
Security:	Public
Mood:	nervous

I hate being in-between jobs, not knowing what I'm going to do next. Cos, I'm feeling for you, man. Tomorrow is my last day at my job, and I haven't got another one lined up yet. I tend to assume getting another bartending gig is going to be cake, but I hate being down to the wire like this.

Date:	2005-11-14 22:59
Subject:	My Neuroticism
Security:	Public
Mood:	high

We just went out Friday. Is is too early for me to be anxious/irritated/disappointed because he hasn't called yet?

Date:	2005-09-21 23:53
Subject:	I'm ready for my close-up...
Security:	Public
Mood:	artistic

Just an interesting tidbit of info for anyone who's interested: I'll be making my movie debut *tee-hee* in Elizabethtown, the Cameron Crowe film coming out in October. (It stars Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst.) Providing my scene doesn't get cut, I play the coktail waitress in the lobby of the Brown, with curly hair in a ponytail. Ooh, I also heard (a couple of months after the crew left the hotel, actually) that Cameron Crowe wrote a line into the movie about me. (I knew most of the crew because I waited on them the two months or so that they stayed at The Brown.) He has Kirsten and Orlando talking on the phone and she asks him to have a beer with her (over the phone). She says "Oh, I know The Brown. Go down to the lobby and ask for Emily, she'll take care of you." *hee-hee* Anyway, I don't know if any of it will actually end up in the movie or not, but I guess we'll see. Incidentally, I'll never do it again. People who work on movie sets simply don't sleep. Ever.

Date:	2004-11-04 23:11
Subject:	despair
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed

I am so hopeless after Tuesday's outcome. I have to echo the already often-voiced fear of the quick and drastic swerve this country is taking to the right. I also find it extremely disturbing that apparently the majority of the country endorses forcing Christianity on everyone. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the arguement that "this country was founded on Christianity." I want to tell the entire country - quit believing everything your television tells you and think back to first grade, when you learned about the pilgrims, who came here in search of FREEDOM OF RELIGION. Until Tuesday I clung to the hope that most of the country was a little more advanced than Kentucky, that I was hearing the worst of it because of where I live. I have no hope left, and I can't remember feeling more powerless, like I'm watching my country go down the toilet and there's nothing I can do to change anything. Someone, please, tell me I'm wrong.

Date:	2004-11-02 16:17
Subject:	woo-hoo!
Security:	Public
Mood:	I can't stand the suspense...

I voted!
*Ooh, don't forget to vote on the amendment. I won't try to sway anyone by pushing my opinion on you, but I will say this: If George Bush gets re-elected I'm moving to Canada, and the fact that gay marriage is already legal there doesn't hurt, either.
:)

Date:	2004-10-21 02:30
Subject:	Holy Shit!
Security:	Public
Mood:	truly content

Okay, first of all, I'd like to say that I miss everyone here. I finally have internet access in my home (where I've lived for over a year now) and I'm just now logging onto livejournal. It's good to be back.
Okay, so here is the brief synopsis:
-I have a boyfriend now. No, it's not cool in Louisville, Kentucky to have a boyfriend if you're female and have dated females (exclusively) for quite some time.
-I'm SO happy. This person is SO good to me, and I'm crazy about him, I don't care if this stupid, small-minded community accepts it or not.
-I am still slinging drinks in the lobby of a swanky hotel (where I was recently in a movie - more about that on request) and am also a perpetual college student.
-I am currently involved in a volunteer program which involves intensive training, and then one-on-one work with a child who has been in the foster care system (due to abuse or neglect) called CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) I am more excited about this than most other things going on in my life right now.
-My baby sister just had a baby. (I was already Auntie Em, but now I have a niece and a nephew.)
Hmm, that's all I can think of on the spur of the moment, but I'm sure I'll be back soon, and much more frequently. How is everyone? Wow, I've missed you all.
-luv, emily

Date:	2003-11-11 15:24
Subject:	boundaries?
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

So, I've never understood why there have to be these awkward, socially imposed boundaries, like relationships have to be defined, adn then there are certain sets of rules that a relationship has to conform to depending on which definition it falls under. Okay, here's the thing. I have a friend who I'm incredibly close with - she's probably my best friend. And I know she's attracted to me, she's been very open about that. I also know I'm just not really available for a relationship here. I'm nbot sure if that's exclusive to this situation, or if I'm just not there at this point in my life, but I know that if we messed around it (the "messing around") would be temporary, but we'll always be friends. So we've talked about it (a lot) and we both feel very strongly about not compromising our friendship, and that if we do explore other possibilities, the idea of us not being as close as we are now is just not acceptable. So would it be crazy to sleep with her? I don't really know why it would even be a problem, but I guess I just want to be cautious. The thing is, I really love her, and it feels like the natural thing to do. I want to be as close to her as I can, I'm really crazy about her. She's just one of my favorite people. Hmm, I just don't know. I think it's probably going to happen though.

Hello all. It's good to be back. I haven't logged onto Livejournal in WAY too long, and I've missed it, but I've been soooo busy. Most recently, Cos came and payed me a visit, staying with me for three days, so I wanted to show him all around Louisville. We also left info in several places about Howard Dean, and I've got lots more to spread all over the rest of the city. I'm very excited about this, and if you don't know who Howard Dean is, you should check him out at www.deanforamerica.com. Also, I've met several lovely ladies recently via www.louisvillemojo.com, and have been fairly distracted with that. It's really exciting, I had been under the impression that there was simply NO lesbian scene here in Louisville, but (much to my delight) it's beginning to look like I was mistaken about that. So that's most of what I've been doing, along with trying to catch up with the day-to-day grind, which is really an unattainable goal, though I keep trying. Anyway, I just thought I'd post. Have a good time, whatever you're out there doing, and I'll catch up with you later!
-luv, emily

Date:	2003-09-05 12:10
Subject:	My persistent absence
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy

So, I've recently moved and I no longer have computer access at home (a condition I hope to remedy), but I miss you terribly, dahlinks, and I promise to start dropping in at least once a week or so. Anyway, so much going on and so little time to update, you know, but I guess I'll start with the most exciting news and dwindle from there into the mundane... I have an amazing apartment now! It's huge, in a great neighborhood, very cheap, and best of all, it's ALL MINE! *yay!* I couldn't be more thrilled with it. Also, in school again this semester, still going through job-switch stuff (though I think it's about to be over and settled for good - I got a very good job serving cocktails in a swanky hotel downtown, full time and good pay) and I think I see financial stability right around the corner, which would make this student's life SO much easier. Hmm, Cos, if you're reading this, I want you to know I miss you terribly. You've also inspired me to resolve a personal issue I've been struggling with, but more info on that later. I'll try to call again soon *kiss-kiss*. Also, Victoria, I miss chatting with you as well, and I hope things are going well for you in your long-distance relationship adventures. (I'll admit though, I'll always have just a tiny tinge of jealousy there - why do I have to live so far from NY?) Anyway, I hate to update and run, but I'm on campus and I have lots to do and not nearly enough time. e-hugs to all, and I'll be back soon.
-luv, emily

Date:	2003-07-13 16:38
Subject:	Still Alive
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed

Yeah, so I really haven't dropped off the face of the earth, in case anyone's wondering. I've just been avoiding my house (really for about a month now) and I'm not sure what to do. To say that my living situation is less than ideal would be a gross understatement, but I don't suppose avoiding the place is much of a solution. So I'm going to make some calls, and brainstorm, and try to figure out some way to change the situation. I'm really broke, so that's going to be a problem, but I'm getting ready to make some phone calls to see about maybe setting up a temporary living situation elsewhere (ie. anywhere but here). Thanks to Cos, for not only listening to me rant, but encouraging me to take action. (I miss you, doll.) I've missed everyone here, and I'm going to make an effort to not be so completely absent in the near future. *kisses to all*
-emily

Date:	2003-06-10 11:13
Subject:	Hmm, interesting...
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake

So, I'm Switzerland.


Switzerland -
A neutral power for as long as most can remember,
it has avoided war for several centuries.
However, it is still considered highly advanced
and a global power.


Positives:

Judicial.

Neutrality.

World-Renouned.

Powerful without Force.

Makes Excellent Watches, Etc.


Negatives:

Target of Ridicule.

Constant Struggle to Avoid Conflict.

Target of Criminal Bank Accounts.



Which Country of the World are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Date:	2003-06-05 17:20
Subject:	this is really fun...
Security:	Public
Mood:	hungry

If you want me to interview you--post a comment that simply says, "Interview me." I'll respond with questions for you to take back to your own journal and answer as a post. Of course, they'll be different for each person since this is an interview and not a general survey. At the bottom of your post, after answering the Interviewer's questions, you ask if anyone wants to be interviewed. So it becomes your turn-- in the comments, you ask them any questions you have for them to take back to their journals and answer. And so it becomes the circle.

My interview:

1. When did you know you liked girls?
When I was in commercial art class in high school and David Payte said (to one of his friends) "They should make incense that smells like pussy.", and I thought "...yeah... I'd buy that."

2. Have you ever read anything by Michelle Tea?
No, but I suppose now I'll have to, as that is just too intruguing to leave alone. (Also because I'm always looking for new and interesting reading material.)

3. What is your comfort food?
Peanut butter. When I lived alone I used to wake up in the middle of the night, go to the kitchen and eat peanut butter right out of the jar, and go back to bed.

4. What would you name a kitten?
It depends on the kitten. I like Sappho a lot, or maybe Gwendolyn or Cecily. The girl I nanny for said when she grows up she's going to be in a rock band, and that she's going to call it Toyota. That might be a funny name for a cat. Hmm, good question.

5. Do you dream in color?
Technicolor, baby. No, really, I don't know. I have some very strange dreams, and some are very detailed and realistic, but I can't remember if they're in color or not. I think they're really more conceptual than visual.

So, if you'd like to be interviewed, post and let me know. I can't wait to get started...

Date:	2003-06-02 21:43
Subject:	The End.
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed

I swear this is the last post on this subject, but *aaargh!*, this just isn't working! Why can't I make anything happen for me with men? Troy is perfect: he's good looking, intelligent, funny, talented, compassionate, and he's a really good friend, too. I have so much respect and admiration for him, he makes me laugh, and I am so comfortable with him, so why does it feel wierd kissing him? Like I'm just going through the motions because it seems like this is what I should want. I keep asking myself how I could possibly not fall for this person, and the answer is something I've known all along: if he were a woman, I would be in love. This fucking sucks. Don't get me wrong; I LOVE women. But they're a hell of a lot harder to come by, (I mean as far as perspective dating partners) especially here in Louisville, Kentucky. Damn, Damn, Damn. Well, at least this experience has answered a lot of questions for me. And I'm glad it was with someone as open and accepting as Troy. I think our friendship will remain completely intact, and that was the most important thing for both of us. I guess I just didn't expect the conclusion I came to.

Date:	2003-05-31 10:06
Subject:	Honesty? Open-mindedness? Thinking for oneself?
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful

Hmm... So, I'm not really over Troy like I thought I was (already). Actually, I like him more every time I see him. This going slow thing is wierd. It's like, how do you switch tracks from friendship to dating without just going straight to relationship? I think I need to let go of all the hangups; defining relationships instead of just letting them happen can really stifle them before they even have a chance to get going. Also, my hangups about liking women vs. men. It doesn't really matter. When I find myself interested in someone, it's always about them as an individual, and I've never had a "type", in that the people I've dated are all so different. I don't see why I should choose one aspect of people (in this case gender) and decide I have to know what it's going to be in whomever I date before I'm willing to consider dating anyone. When I got really honest with myself, I realized one of the things that has been holding me back the most here, and it's the most ironic thing, really. I've never had any qualms or fears about people knowing I like (love, even) women. But now I've met this great group of lesbians that I've really bonded with, and it struck me last night that one of my biggest fears in this situation is what they'll think/say/do if I decide to date a man. It's so silly when you think about it. I mean, who ever heard of someone being afraid for people to find out they are attracted to the opposite sex? And I can bet that the women in this group of people whose opinion I really value, to whom I feel close, and (frankly) whose respect I'm afraid of losing will only respect me more for being true to myself and following my heart even when I'm afraid of what people are going to think. All that said, I must add that I think I'm becoming downright smitten with Troy. And I don't know if it will work, I mean, he is SUCH a boy. (A man, really, I mean he is 28 years old.) But we've talked very openly and honestly about everything the whole time, and he's very understanding. He knows there's a chance that it may not work out, he knows about all the fears and hangups I have about it, and he wants to give it a shot anyway. He's been very adamant the about expressing to me that the most important things here are honesty and maintaining our friendship. I guess there are no garauntees, but I really think that the former will almost ensure the latter. So here goes; I'm jumping, with my fingers crossed. Wish me luck...

Date:	2003-05-28 12:51
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	frustrated

Okay, this is ridiculous, but I think I'm already losing interest in Troy. If it would have remained just a secret crush I could have nursed it indefinitely, but now that we've actually talked about it it's way too close to being real. I'm kind of like "Whoa! I don't actually want to be with this guy." Even though he is a great guy, and all. I want to be with a woman. *ugh* Why did I think that would be different this time? I am insane - I have no business dating. (Okay, maybe that's a little harsh.) But I really do believe I have no business trying to date men. What was I thinking?

Date:	2003-05-27 12:28
Subject:	*ugh* I don't think I like this...
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused

Wow. So, I'm a little taken aback. I'm probably not going to be at my most articulate right now, as I don't really know how I feel or what I want ot say. Hmm, yeah, so my friend Troy told me last night that he wants to date me. I don't really know what to do here. I had kind of come to the conclusion that dating men didn't really work for me (hence the three week attention span I seem to have with them) but I do have a crush on him. The thing is (and I told him this when we talked about it last night) that I don't know if I'll still have a crush on him a month from now. So I guess if we did date I'd insist we take it super slow. Am I even considering this? Damn, I think I am. I just don't know. I think I still really want to be with a woman. It's so funny, I was talking to my friend Marc the other day and I told him that even though my (fairly new) group of lesbian friends know Jennifer was the first real girlfriend I ever had, I think they've kind of assumed somehow that I'm strictly lesbian, and I don't have the heart to tell them I'm not. He said "Emily, you're going to have to come out sooner or later." It was really kind of funny, but the problem is that I don't want to be bi, I want to be a lesbian. That probably sounds ridiculous. *ugh* This is so frustrating. If not for that particular hangup, however, he would be perfect for me. He's really really smart, he speaks several languages (most fluently English and Arabic) and I LOVE languages, he plays lots of musical instruments (another common passion between us) and he's SO funny, and also kinda cute. Adoreable, really. But I know being with women turns me on way more than the idea of being with men. Is it unfair to even try dating this guy? I mean, he knows where I stand with all that (ie. that I really prefer girls) and he still wants to give it a shot. Crap, I guess the thing I'm most worried about is ruining a really great friendship by going ahead with it and then finding it just doesn't work for me. Damn, damn, damn. I guess the thing I need to focus on is being completely honest here, and keeping my motives in check. I don't want to leave him hanging, so I'm going to try and give him an answer in the next couple of days. Maybe tonight. (*groan*)... What am I doing?...

Date:	2003-05-25 22:42
Subject:	Computer Dependancy (or "I don't have a problem. I can quit anytime I want")
Security:	Public
Mood:	flirty

Thank God I have access to my computer again. Actually it isn't mine, it's Carolyn's, and she wanted to install an antivirus program before we used it again, which took a few days to get to. I can't believe how dependant I am on this thing. It's like having a car; I was fine without one until I got one, now I don't know how I ever lived without it.
So, I'm listening to my new Radiohead CD. It's called Hail To The Thief, and it actually hasn't been released yet. (Thank you, Monkey - I love having connections, tee-hee.) Anyway, it's great. I think I like it as much as Kid A, which I didn't even think was possible. I burned a copy for my friend Troy, on whom I am developing a major crush. It sucks that I can't stay interested in guys, but I know if I pursued this it ("it" being my interest) would fizzle out within a month, and I would have ruined a really great friendship. I'm tempted to try anyway because it really feels like I'd stay interested this time, but it always feels like that in the beginning. Experience has shown me that it just never feels that way for long after I actually start seeing someone. I can stay interested in a woman, and be completely available for a real, long-term relationship, but not with guys. The really sucky thing is that if I just don't act on it, thus keeping it a secret crush, it can last for years. Hmm, I just don't understand the way I work sometimes.
I'm finally playing my guitar again, and learning lots of sign language, which is really fun. I think I'll translate a song tomorrow so I can practice that for a couple of days and then continue doing that if it proves to be helpful. I'm just thinking it would probably help it to stick in my head, rather than learning random words and phrases. When I was a kid my sisters and I would translate children's stories to sign from an ASL book my mother had, and it seemed to really help us learn. Unfortunately I've forgotten almost all of it, so I'm almost starting from scratch. Anyway, it's fun learning, and since it's summer and I'm out of classes for a while, I can spend time on it without feeling guilty for focusing on something completely recreational.
Last night was lesbian movie night, and what can I say?... Mmmm... Sweet. It was really fun, and I so love these people. Beth even showed up briefly, and sat next to me. (tee-hee) I have a really big crush on her, but I know she isn't really available. Still, I do enjoy nursing a secret crush, so it's always kind of fun running into her.
Well, I'm off. It's late, and I've got to get to bed. I think I've been rambling for quite some time, but I'm not really sure; I'm really tired, so my perception of time may just be way off. Anyway, Ciao. Maybe I'll check back in after my guitar lesson with Troy tomorrow. (hehe) Buona notte.

Date:	2003-05-19 18:11
Subject:	Where am I and whose life am I living?
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

My life is so good in the summertime. I'm not attending classes right now so I'm off during the days, then when I do have to work it consists of doing things like going swimming (at the house, or sometimes at the country club), taking Ali to her riding lessons and hanging out at the (beautiful) horse farms, cooking meals for both of us from the fully stocked fridge (which the grocery fairy just magically fills once a week or so), and going to the park with her, or the coffee shop, or anywhere else we can find fun waiting to happen. It's unreal how good my life can be, and with seemingly no effort on my part. Hmm, life as a nanny does have its drawbacks, but ahh, the perks... And (as if all that weren't enough to make me really grateful) I have wonderful friends to boot. Wow, how did I get so lucky?
Ali's at a friend's house right now, so I'm going to go find some dinner and then delve into the wonderful book I'm reading right now (Sophie's Choice). I love my life.